I wish I knew what I was doing.
I have no idea how to be nice or selfless.
I have been throwing myself at this guy who seems to love me while he's with me and then leave me and forget me.
I am blogging... I swore I would NEVER blog.
Now I feel like it's my only way for someone to listen to my thoughts, even if no one is really listening or reading; it makes me feel better to get it out.
I'm all over the radar, ALL over.
I love him
I hate him
I want him
I don't
I need him
I don't
He makes me cry without even doing anything.
"If you want me, you better speak up; I won't wait"
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The Beginning
If I could turn back time...
Those are the only words I hear. Although I am not sure why because I am happy with my life now. You may be asking yourself, "Why wouldn't this random girl, who has never written a blog in her whole life be questioning her life now?"... I have made mistakes (who hasn't), regretted certain decisions (who hasn't), and hurt people (who hasn't).
Let me bring you up to speed...
You see I had this small group of friends in high school, I was a shy teenager so I didn't have a boyfriend. My first serious relationship wasn't until 3 months before my senior year ended, and I met him on MySpace. Yep, MySpace. I had my small group of friends come with me to meet him at the pier, he was with his "best friend" as well. He seemed nice, and after that night he was my "everything." I dissed my family, friends, and (what I didn't realize at the time) freedom. The 3 f's. He took my virginity after 3 months of being together. I didn't realize that being with him I would lose everything, until he started hitting me. I had never felt so small and uncared for like I did when he was mad. I won't go into details, but needless to say it got bad, very fast. 2 weeks after leaving him, a year after we were together (to the date) I found out I was pregnant. It was the second pregnancy I had from him, but the first successful.
9 months, 270 days of being sick, and 75lbs later I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Due to privacy issues I am not going to go into details of him. The Christmas after having him I was lonely and hopped back into dating via the internet... if only I had learned my lesson the first time.
The next guy I dated was great, we will call him G. We started dating 2 weeks after I turned 20 and he was 5 years my senior, still lived at home with his mom, and worked full time. Not exactly my dream guy, but he was sweet and caring and wanted to have a relationship with my child. And to me that meant something. Being a new mom, I wanted my son to have a good role model, this guy ... I should have thought harder about.. I didn't know it when we started dating (but you rarely ever do) how disrespectful and easily it was for him to lie. He stole my heart with his awesome stories and made me feel like "one of the guys" which was totally different. Where in past experiences I was put to the side, he included me. I was suffering from PTSD and depression while with G that I would snap at everything and it got to be so bad that I began going from extremely cold to extremely hot in 2 seconds. We began to bicker and argue more and more. We finally decided to split earlier this year, after the cheating and his rehab broke us up. The cheating on my part, the rehab on his. We weren't suitable, I never had my 3 f's with G either, and it tore me up.
The week G and I decided to split, was the week that I met M...
Those are the only words I hear. Although I am not sure why because I am happy with my life now. You may be asking yourself, "Why wouldn't this random girl, who has never written a blog in her whole life be questioning her life now?"... I have made mistakes (who hasn't), regretted certain decisions (who hasn't), and hurt people (who hasn't).
Let me bring you up to speed...
You see I had this small group of friends in high school, I was a shy teenager so I didn't have a boyfriend. My first serious relationship wasn't until 3 months before my senior year ended, and I met him on MySpace. Yep, MySpace. I had my small group of friends come with me to meet him at the pier, he was with his "best friend" as well. He seemed nice, and after that night he was my "everything." I dissed my family, friends, and (what I didn't realize at the time) freedom. The 3 f's. He took my virginity after 3 months of being together. I didn't realize that being with him I would lose everything, until he started hitting me. I had never felt so small and uncared for like I did when he was mad. I won't go into details, but needless to say it got bad, very fast. 2 weeks after leaving him, a year after we were together (to the date) I found out I was pregnant. It was the second pregnancy I had from him, but the first successful.
9 months, 270 days of being sick, and 75lbs later I was blessed with a beautiful baby boy. Due to privacy issues I am not going to go into details of him. The Christmas after having him I was lonely and hopped back into dating via the internet... if only I had learned my lesson the first time.
The next guy I dated was great, we will call him G. We started dating 2 weeks after I turned 20 and he was 5 years my senior, still lived at home with his mom, and worked full time. Not exactly my dream guy, but he was sweet and caring and wanted to have a relationship with my child. And to me that meant something. Being a new mom, I wanted my son to have a good role model, this guy ... I should have thought harder about.. I didn't know it when we started dating (but you rarely ever do) how disrespectful and easily it was for him to lie. He stole my heart with his awesome stories and made me feel like "one of the guys" which was totally different. Where in past experiences I was put to the side, he included me. I was suffering from PTSD and depression while with G that I would snap at everything and it got to be so bad that I began going from extremely cold to extremely hot in 2 seconds. We began to bicker and argue more and more. We finally decided to split earlier this year, after the cheating and his rehab broke us up. The cheating on my part, the rehab on his. We weren't suitable, I never had my 3 f's with G either, and it tore me up.
The week G and I decided to split, was the week that I met M...
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